Confessions from a Mother's Heart

I'll jump right to it...sometimes I wonder if I was ever meant to be a mother.

When my kids ask me to play, I admittedly (and unwillingly) do so with drudgery.

I don’t mind AT ALL going away for the weekend (mind you, by myself) to escape the every day routine.

I get excited when the Hubs says he’s taking the boys into town to run errands, leaving me at home alone to blare the record player, make banana chia muffins, read my book and simply recharge.

I mean, I DO enjoy being around my kids…sometimes. As long as it’s not too much constant effort, I’m game. But, really, when is parenting NOT constant effort...?

Wow. I sound like a really GREAT mom, don’t I?

So, I recognize that I appear as about ungrateful as they come, but I’m here to reassure you, despite my above statements, that this is farther from the truth. There are too many people I know or whom I’ve come into contact with that have struggled to get pregnant in one way or another. In that context and many others, I FULLY realize the gift I’ve been given. Each and every day. Although all of the above are indeed facts, I simultaneously have an unending well of gratitude for these little people that have entered into my life in full force. In fact, sometimes the amount of gratitude I feel is incredibly overwhelming.

But, the truth is, I also feel really TIRED a lot of the times. Tired of being a mom and tired of always holding the space. Tired of tending to everyone’s needs and not even having the time to recognize what mine are. Tired of balancing, and juggling, and striving, and doing, and trying to figure out how to be a decent enough person so as to not COMPLETELY mess up my children.

In fact, most days I feel like a fraud.

As a birth and postpartum doula, a new mama group facilitator, a prenatal yoga instructor, a childbirth educator, and a perpetual cheerleader for mamas in the trenches of it all, I preach all day, every day about self-care, trusting your intuition, listening to your heart, recharging and being ok with where you’re at on the journey of life. Yet, the reality is that most days I pick up off the floor what I wore the day before; I wonder what the hell I’m doing while trying to “hear” a sliver of my intuition; I feel frazzled; I yell (a lot) and I wonder just HOW messed up my kids will be because of my influence. But, in the background of all the mess is the never-ending glow of appreciation and love that overwhelms to me to core.

How is this incredible dichotomy possible? The juxtaposition of these two feels - both of which can knock me to my knees - has left me puzzled and confused in more ways than one. It all had me wondering...is this NORMAL or is it the validation of the overarching message that I made a horrible mistake of making myself the mother to my children? I have somehow been convinced that I am not fit for the role of mother - how could I be?

In times of challenge, I find it important to remember where I came from - my foundation. For example, I remember nothing but love and warmth and hugs and kindness from my own mother. She knocked it out of the park. How, as a woman, could I live up to such a role? I’m different than my own mother, in lots and lots of ways, but I’m also very much like her in lots and lots of ways. It's my fear that perhaps the ways in which I am different is in my mothering. She was (and is!) warm and inviting and a safe place to land. I am, well…you know. Not that.

In diving deeper to understand where I’m at and where I’m going, I found myself reflecting. I have always found Ralph Waldo Emerson’s words inspiring and uplifting and have often turned to them when I’ve needed a reminder about the simplicities of life. Recently, when reading a book by Kelly Flanagan titled, “Loveable: Embracing What is Truest About You, So You Can Truly Embrace Your Life”, I ran across a quote of Emerson’s that spoke to me loud and clear:

“To be yourself in a world that is instantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.”

Upon reading this, it made me immediately realize that I owed it to myself to refuse to continue believing the voices in my head that told me I wasn’t enough. I also decided to refuse to believe the messages in my head regarding what it meant, societally, to be a "good mother", which only seemed to verify that I wasn't, in fact, enough.

Frankly, all of this led me to want to understand ME better. It led me to realize that I’ve been a mother for 8+ years and I’m STILL learning who the woman in this role is. It was time to uncover what it meant to “be myself” in the world that is constantly trying to make me something else. A world of motherhood where we are constantly criticized and blamed and questioned for our parenting decisions and choices.

Upon digging deeper to learn more about myself, I quickly realized that I am (at least partly) what they call an "Emotional Empath." In a New York Times bestselling book by Dr. Judith Orloff titled, “Emotional Freedom: Liberate Yourself From Negative Emotions and Transform Your Life” , I read that:

“Empaths are highly sensitive, finely tuned instruments when it comes to emotions. They feel everything, sometimes to an extreme, and are less apt to intellectualize feelings. Intuition is the filter through which they experience the world. Empaths are naturally giving, spiritually attuned, and good listeners. If you want heart, empaths have got it. Through thick and thin, they’re there for you, world-class nurturers.”

I connected with this. I felt as if this paragraph was written about me - the person I know to be me. Simply put, empaths can relate to where you’re coming from. They are attune at putting themselves in your shoes.

This is how I FEEL but I realize that this is not often how I come across, especially to my children or my husband. Furthermore, according to Orloff:

“Some (empaths) (put themselves in others' shoes) without taking on people’s feelings. However, for better or worse, others can become angst-sucking sponges…this often overrides the sublime capacity to absorb positive emotions and all that is beautiful. But if empaths are around peace and love, their bodies assimilate these and flourish.”

Let’s be real. Children (and their attitudes) aren’t always the walking epitome of all that is “peace and love” which Orloff is referring to. At least not mine. My children? They fight. They whine. They complain. They test their boundaries. They tantrum. They scream. They push my buttons.

Again, don’t get me wrong, they’re beyond fantastic in many ways that consume me just the same (with their endless humor for example) but, when it gets down to it, for true empaths, any “negativity or challenging emotion often feels assaultive and exhausting.”

Assaultive and exhausting.

YES. 100% yes.

That’s it. In a matter of two words, Orloff not only related to me in a way that allowed me to feel seen, but these two words also helped usher clarity into my heart.

The clarity was this...

It’s not that I wasn’t meant to be a mother. That’s not it at all. The soft whisper that’s been telling me that my role as a mother has somehow been a tragic mistake to my children has been wrong all along. It’s never been that. It never will be. In fact, I'm exactly what my children need. I’m learning about myself. And I’ve learned I’m an empath. And that’s ok. And maybe THAT'S what my children need. Maybe that's why they have chosen me?

In the end, I found the beauty in what being an empath really means. It means I have the capacity to relate and understand. I have the capacity to be intense but also to bring it all back to a place of grounded-ness and connection. I have the ability to TALK to my kids about everything that is life. I’m not afraid of emotion and vulnerability. In fact, I embrace it. And the ironic thing is, that’s what’s scared me all along. I embrace huge love, raw frustration, deep anger, enormous joy and endless sadness to name a few. The velocity of my emotions had me convinced all along that I was not meant for this. But we talk about how tapping into emotion is good and human. We talk about how we all have them and IT’S OK TO FEEL. We just have to be able to connect with one another about it all in the end and we have to be able to put ourselves in each other’s shoes. Then, we’ll all be just fine.

After realizing all of this about myself, I finally gave myself some much needed grace. I realized that this journey might not be perfect, but I’m doing the best I can. We all are. And it’s all we can ever do.

And then, as if that soft whisper had in fact shifted after all, I happened to grab one of the many books on my shelves, opened it up, and turned to a page that, once again, spoke to me loud and clear as if a voice in the wind knew I needed to hear it:

“At the moment of giving birth to a child, is the mother separate from the child? You should study not only that you become a mother when your child is born, but also that you become a child.”

-Dogen Zenji, Mountains and Waters Sutra

Awww yes. Of course. We're ALL children. Learning as we go and finding out the ways in which we can embrace who we really are with loving kindness and affection. Because when we doubt ourselves and wonder our place in the world, we can always come back to that light at the center of who we are and believe our very most inner and unique truth. And in doing so, we teach our children to listen to that same inner light. What a gift.

So today, I choose to believe the inner truth that now speaks to me loud and clear when I intentionally create space to hear it:

It's true. I was MEANT to be a mother.

**Photography credit for above photos goes to: Summer Street Photography, Meghan Pate Photography, Kristin Smith Creative and myself!

#Gratitude #Parenting #Family #intention #Selfcare #Doubts #Motherhood